Three Types of Annoying People on Trains (That Even Eat at Your Seat Can’t Make Up For)

It seems to be developing into something of a theme, but here are the top three characters I encounter on trains that, to put it mildly, get on my nerves.

I’ll start with the worst first. For context, I get awful travel sickness. I’m not overly social. I like to have a plan. When I book a train, I book a seat: forward facing (makes me feel less sick), I choose the quiet coach (I don’t really want to talk) and I request a plug socket (makes use of the journey time). 

The loud talker; a quiet coach irony

The single most annoying person on any train is the one who clatters into the quiet coach, faffs about banging and harrumphing bags about, before dropping down into their seat (probably not theirs - I’ll be coming back to this), usually with a big sigh (extra annoying) and then proceeds to take out their phone, and have the world’s loudest phone conversation about typically, absolutely nothing. The worst of this type will upgrade that phone call to a FaceTime and then we all have to endure not one side of the conversation but both! So infuriating. It would annoy me anywhere, but in the quiet coach, it’s unforgivable.

The seat stealer, best dealt with swiftly

The second most annoying type of person on trains is the person that’s sat in your reserved seat. I don’t care if there’s other seats available either. I picked that seat. I’m sitting in it. If you didn’t book a seat, that’s your problem. Enough said. 

But a couple of extra features of this person include the incredulity on their face when you tell them “hey, that’s my seat”. I mean seriously, why is being asked to move a shock, you can see it’s reserved, you know it isn’t yours?! A personal favourite is the suggestion that you could sit elsewhere, “there’s lots of other seats”. Funnily enough, I thought the same, so why are you sitting in mine? The only conceivable response there is; “yes, you can choose any of them”. 

The final, extra infuriating feature of seat stealer; is their excessive set up. They’re not sitting in your seat, chancing the fact that you might not turn up, ready to move just in case. Oh no. This person is in it for the long haul. Coat draped over the back of the chair, luggage stowed above and below the seat. Laptop out and plugged in, miscellaneous snack litter strewn about the general area. An unfinished drink. Probably extra items on the seat next to them for good measure, so in fact they're stealing two seats not one. Basically anything that means when you move them, it’s an ordeal. I think it’s a tactic designed to make you assess the situation as not worth the hassle. But I picked that seat, and I’m sitting in it. So yes, an ordeal it is. For me, more than you. I’m not the awkward one here.

The dreaded happy drunk

The third and final annoying person, or group of people on trains, is the happy drunks. Now hear me out on this one. In just about any other context, the happy drunk is the best drunk. But I used to work in Leeds City Centre, on Greek Street to be precise. If you know Leeds, you'll know this is one of the livelier parts of town; the destination of choice for many a night out. So picture the scene…

It’s Friday, the end of a long and busy work week. It’s pre-covid. Remote or hybrid working, flexi-time and early finishes aren’t even a twinkle in most business’s eyes. It’s a 5:30 finish and that’s assuming everything goes to plan. It doesn’t. So I’m finishing work late. I have to head out onto Greek Street, already working hard to avoid the waves of day drinkers and early evening arrivals to get down to the train station. It’s probably cold, it’s probably raining. It’s England after all. I’ve had enough, I just want to get home.

My train is delayed, it usually was, if only by a few minutes. I’m waiting on the platform. Hunger is starting to kick in (apparently I do get hangry, or so Jake tells me). At long last, the train appears, pulls into the platform and we can board. It’s warm, I can sit down and I’m finally on the way home.

And then, a massive group of people stride on board, laden with McDonald’s takeaways, fuelling up for the next phase in their evening out as they head from trendy day drinking in Leeds, to tackle Wakefield’s Westgate run. Safe to say, I’m not impressed. And then, that annoying happy drunk decides to lead the rest in song! And it’s not enough to have their group singing along with them, oh no, this pain is inflicted on the rest of us. Getting pointed at - “why aren’t you singing?!”, “you’re not very happy are you?”, “had a bad day love?”

After a few years of this being a semi-regular occurrence, these days I see a happy drunk near a train station, travel sickness or not, I’m heading for the bus station.

So, after years of commuting into Leeds by train, and several more to Huddersfield, and then to Peterborough, it’s safe to say I’ve spent plenty of time on trains, and after all these years, I am more than confident that these three, are the three most annoying people on trains. So infuriating, that not even the small joy of LNER’s Eat at Your Seat feature can save the journey. 

Maybe I should just start walking.